livingdeadgirl363636's Blog

There is something about me, not physically, not emotionally, there is something about my spirit that just draws men to me, maybe i was a siren in my past life, or my past past past life. 

Its almost 8pm, it will be when im finished with this. i havent spoken to Sean today. He's called a few times, text me twice but no big gesture by any means. 

I always hope for the best, expect the worst and find out that expecting the worst is the best way to go, pessimistic I know but its how my life is. The pessimistic side of me is realistic. I know what he did today, or part of today and I know I do not want to hear about it. I, for once, want to hear about what I hoped to hear about not what i expected or worse then i expected. Sadly I always do.

He just im'd me which i guess means hes home. Once again no grand gesture just a "Hey you". 

I feel like shit, all the time actually, but when i get into moods like this no one seems to know how to deal with it. They wait till I tell them what to do and then the grand gesture doesn't mean anything which basically tells me that they dont really care cause what im asking for is simple. 

Well today isnt a horrible day like the rest. For the first time in awhile im actually somewhat relaxed, a little excited to go home. 

I spent the night at my dads house last night, which is about 10 blocks from seans apartment. So he walked Newbie and Randy over this morning and the look on Randy's face when he saw me walking down the hill was awesome. He was so excited to see me he kept turning around to make sure i was still there. Newbie on the other hand didnt seem to really care all that much. Which is fine cause i dont need two really hyper dogs on my hands.

I have no idea what relaxation feels like. I am stressed for about 90+% of my day and im not sure how to make it stop. 

I have the easiest job but it is the most stressful job i have ever had. For the past year I have been helping my grandma out with my grandpa. Basically my job is to sit around the house while my grandma is out running errands to make sure if anything happens to my grandpa there is someone here to call 911. I do this 5 hours a day for 5 days a week and i have got to tell you for a man who has no mental or serious physical problems his mouth has got to be the biggest problem. HE DOES NOT SHUT UP! omfg. Its so stressful i dnt even want to talk about it.

Then there is my lazy piece of shit boyfriend who treats life as though its a grain of salt. Hes 24 years old, has never had a job, barely goes to school, lives off his dad and just lives like a millionaire which he is not. A lot of people are going to tell me to take a break from him but hes my ride to work so even if i took a break from him id have to see him two times a day. "You could take the bus" yeah i could but i dont have the money to take a bus. its really hard to wake up at 8 in the morning and run around like a chicken with its head cut off looking for $4 in change so i can be on a bus for 2 hours. BUT if its what I have to do to hopefully be a bit more sane then maybe its what i need to do.

No 24 year old should be THIS stressed out.

All im trying to do is plan a very simple 5 person camping trip and for some reason one of the persons, Florian, is making it impossible to get anything done.

So my grandpa got into an argument with my grandma last week over the 4 wheeled walker I got him which made my grandma return it and not buy one. Now my grandpa keeps saying "I forgot the phone, you didnt remind me" and im like "I wouldnt have to remind you if you had a BASKET" and he goes on to tell me that his two wheeled talker doesnt have a basket and i said "your 4 wheeled one did!" and hes like "yeah but that one didnt fit in the bathroom"..can you guess where that argument led to? He didnt need the 4 wheeled walker for the bathroom or the hosue he just needed it for when he went outside but then he made the excuse of "You grandmother would have trouble walking down the stairs with it" I called bullshit on it, explain to him that it was a rental and if they had bought one they would of gotten one that was the right height cause the one we rented was too tall. Then he tells me I was right. NO FUCKING SHIT IM RIGHT!!! 

I am so sick of being right all the time and I still don't have people take my advice and listen to me.

My grandpa has already asked me twice if I was awake. Hellllooo im SITTING right here infront of my COMPUTER!  If I was asleep I wouldnt be doing that. Then he came into the room and sat across from me and started talking about things i dont give two shits about, mainly baseball. Im hungry, im getting tired, really agitated and I really dont want to deal with anyone today.

Hes basically begging for attention and will do anything to get it only problem is hes geting a ton of attention. Someone is here at all times with him. Theres my grandma, me, Mimi, Carlos and my uncle calls him once a day so its not like hes ever alone except when I leave early or arrive late or my grandma leaves at 8:30am to go hiking. 

Im not exactly sure how to discribe what my grandpa is doing/saying without sounding like I have a black heart. All I knwo is I can not stand people who feel sorry for him, theres no reason to what so ever. 

UPDATE: Lets just say if I had a gun I would be out of a job.

second updat: Its gotten to the point of no return. He chose to not have a 4 wheeled walker, thats his problem and if hes going to complain to be hes going to get one hell of a fucking wake up call cause I am going to flip my fucking shit soon!  He is being the most rediculous person I have ever met! and after I flip out on him im gone, im not coming back, im not talking to him, no more family bullshit for me.

So last week my friend, ex boyfriend, Sean and i made plans for me to get a tattoo on my birthday cause its a huge day for me. this year my birthday falls on the Chinese New Year, not only does it fall on Chinese New Year but it also falls on my Chinese Zodiac, I obviously was going to get a rabbit tattoo. That isnt going to happen anymore.

Ive had a bad week, been a bit sick, my teeth hurt, I was weak for 2 days, had a fever of 101.6 the other night, massive migrains that havent stopped but I still looked forward to my birthday. Today, Wednesday February 2nd, I decided to stay home and get as much rest as I could, take a show, brush my teeth till they were squeeky clean and just have an all around calm, relaxing day. Yeah that didnt happen at all, not even close. It started out calm and a bit relaxing, then Sean called and just fucked it all up.

Now im emotionally hurt, physically in pain and wish I was dying tomorrow so I dont have to suffer through all the regret im going to feel for the rest of my life. I am not getting the tattoo, for anyone who has gotten tattoos you should understand this. You should never get a tatto when youre pissed off cause you dont want to look at that tattoo and remember all the emotional bullshit you went through the day(s) before. I prepared myself all week for this tattoo, got use to the idea of it, got excited about it and now I get to feel regret. The sentamental value behind that tattoo was going to be untoppable. This just really hurts and really sucks.

A little over a month ago I had a great life, two boyfriends, was watching my grandpa and getting paid "fun money" meaning it wasnt a serious job, no real set schedule, got paid in cash, then everything changed. My main boyfriend found out about the back up boyfriend and so i dropped the back up boyfriend to get back with the main boyfriend but the main boyfriend refuses to get back together. Now the back up boyfriend isnt even a friend anymore, the main boyfriend is the boyfriend without a title and my little laid back relaxed job is now a set schedule, paid by check job and i have a feeling that soon i wont be able to use the computer, text and i will have to wear certain clothes and on top of that i dont get to see my best friend cause i work the days he has off and he works the days i have off so no friends, lots of stress = Juliet being independant! yay! *rolls eyes*. this is what i was afraid of happening, great job, no friends and a lot of money that i dont need. Isnt life great?!

Im so stressed out i feel sick to my stomach.

i think pain and anger and depression are the only things i can feel cause im feeling them 99.9% of the time and the other .1% im numb. I dont know how to make the pain go away or even subside. i dont know if Sean is the answer to my remote happiness or if I want him to be and if i want him to be, why? Yes Sean was my first love but I feel like...im not sure how i feel. I wonder if we ever really loved each other. If you ask me if I love/loved him im going to say yes, no questioned asked, care about him? yes.

Im starting to feel as though i dont know what love is and I have this strange sense that ive never really been in love. If thats true then how did/do I really feel about Sean? Who or what is Sean to me? Its almost as if I made a giant statue of him and put it in the middle of my Little city, worshiped him but never knew why i did that.

Its hard for me to explain because I cant even comprehend it myself. I almost feel as if he was an imaginiary friend who I believed to be real and I am just now figuring out he isnt. so now I have to figure out who Sean is and what he means to me, if he means anything at all. I feel like im questioning my own mortality.


1/4/11

Wow thats actually pretty deep.

Its been about 2 or 3 hours since I wrote my last blog. Ive been watching tv and I made some pasta and ate some of it so im feel a little bit better. Im feeling a bit numb and lazy.

So far ive smashed a CD Sean gave me and ripped up one of his favorite t-shirts and I took pictures of the damage with my old phone. I cant wait to do this again with something else hes given me. On top of that about 8 months ago maybe even more Troys dog Demon ripped up Sean's favorite "Think" sweatshirt.

What brought me to finally do it was I turned on my old phone and Sean had sent me a text about an hour after his girlfriends text. His girlfriends text basically told me that Sean had given her my # and told her to tell me to leave him alone. an hour later sean texts me "Ummm....she wants you to respond to her text. I didnt give her your number....I dont think." *rolls eyes* The text was sent 3 days ago and it was the last I heard from him so I didnt respond to anything, Im not starting up the teen age bullshit drama all over again. So once I find out what my dad is going to do with my old phone, im going to smash it if he decides to take me off his account.

so I relapsed and replapsed bad. I feel like a drunk finding her hiden vodka. I went into the attic, got out the phone and charged it. Its killing me that I did that, I feel sick for doing it.

Michael is suppose to be picking up my stuff tonight, I wont be home when he gets home with it, if he picks it up. Im so afraid of being able to smell Sean, its going to drive me nuts.

The last few days have been hard, ive had a lot of ups and downs. I dont know how im going to get through then next few days let alone the next few weeks. This new phone is making me want to text him cause I can now text and not get mad about it cause I have a keyboard, plus I might still be getting my tattoo and im not sure if i want to get it because of the memories behind it or what if he shows up, he knows when it is and where it is, its not that far from his place.

The other part of me is hoping it will all happen. I hope that he texts me or calls me on my old phone, I hope he shows up when I get my tattoo, I almost expect it cause its what I want which means it wont be happening which once again kills me. Im so torn between all of these emotions, I want what I cant have and once I get it I dont want it anymore. i want all of these things cause I know he wouldnt do it but if he were to do it I wouldnt want him to...its so contradicting and confusing.

tonight im going bowling with Troy which im extremely nervous about cause I havent bowled in YEARS and then tomorrow we are going to 6 flags. so I am keeping busy but on my down time Sean is almost all I think about.

1/4/11 update

Man that time in my life was rough but in the past month ive been through a lot worse. I did end up getting the tattoo, Sean was there. Troy and i did go bowling and it failed miserably, six flags wasnt too bad though.

Im starting to freak out. Im all of the sudden getting anxious. My room mate Michael is going ot go pick up my stuff from Sean's house one day in the next week and im so afraid sean is going to say or do something like tell michael he misses me or hide a letter inside my stuff or text me and tell me he misses me. I have a new phone but i still have my old phone until my dad cancles it or gives it to someone else. I dont want to go through that pain a fourth time. Personally I dont want my stuff back, i just want my tooth brush back because Troy wont stop talking about it, I dont want it he does cause he paid $80 bucks for it. and my grandpa wont stop talking about dumb shit and thats just making me even more anxious and panicky.

Troy will hopefully pick me up soon and we will go on a walk and hopefully that will help.

My heart is fried I dont know how people get by its so hard to see the good side through all this pain and stress its put me through the test of time but in the end its for the best I keep telling myself im going to be okay that at the end of the day everythings will be the same, nothing ever changes, for now my life will move on quickly while my mind reaks havic on my body and soul telling me there is somone i cant let go, Its not true I say, it cant be, hes mine and mine alone to have and to hold, sadly reality doesnt feel the same and its a reminder day to day , hour to hour, minute to minute that nothings the same, everything changes and the pain never goes away.

I have no idea why this has been hapening but ive been having hot flashes lately.

Wyatt, KJ, Lily, Sam, and Jo (courtesy KJ Dell Antonia) Imagine for a moment, that, for a week, your picky-eater child has no options. That every day, three meals are presented, and if he or she doesn't eat them, that's it. There is no grocery store, there is no pantry, there is no fridge. It's not even "my way or the highway," because there is no highway. This was our life, for one week last summer.

My husband, my mother Jo, and I took our three kids (then 7, 5 and 3) to China to adopt our fourth child (a 3-year-old daughter). Before we reached her province, the rest of us were caught up in China's stringent H1N1 quarantine. My husband spent a week locked in a tiny hospital cell with a mild case, served three meals a day through an air-lock window like the one they use at Harold's Chicken on Chicago's far South Side. The rest of us rode it out in quarantine, five confused Westerners amidst several hundred similarly exposed Chinese. We were served three meals a day, at first in our room, then buffet style. Three Chinese meals. Small amounts of meat or fish, with vegetables, in sauces. Noodles. Dumplings. Shrimp, complete with heads and tails.

It wasn't that we didn't expect to eat Chinese food in China (and lots of it). It was that suddenly, I didn't control when or what the kids were eating, and neither-once they'd chosen among the day's offerings-did they. We pointed, said thank you, took the food, and gathered around a table, all of us -- three kids, me and my mother -- on equal footing. What is that? We don't really know. What does it taste like? Well, somebody try it. Seven-year-old Sam discovered a love of curry; 4-year-old Lily, steamed buns; Wyatt, 3, ate snails. The rest of us had one bite each and agreed that although snail tasted ok, it was rubbery.

We did not have, all week, one single argument about the food on our plates. This is what led to my horrible realization: my kids will eat anything. They're human beings, and if you put edible food in front of hungry humans, they'll take what they need to get by.

Therefore, if they've been picky at home -- turned up their noses at a perfectly good meal or thrown a tantrum because we have the wrong kind of Pop Tarts -- it's because I've let them.

Which really, really blew. I never pandered to special requests at home, cooking a different dinner for each kid or providing a plate upon which nothing touches anything else. But every time I opened the pantry, or offered a snack an hour after the breakfast dishes were cleared, I was essentially saying, "heck, no, don't eat it if you don't like it. Don't even try it if it doesn't look good. You'll get something you like better before you even have time to get hungry." And so they waited. Once China said eat it or don't eat it, but there isn't gonna be anything else -- they ate.

This hasn't been an easy lesson to bring home. For one thing, there's no buffet here -- if I want them to try new things and eat whole foods, I have to cook them. For another, they're not fools. They know we have snacks in the pantry, and even if we don't, there's food at school and at the store and at the gas station and everywhere we look. The truth is that eventually, into every American child's life, some Goldfish will fall -- but, at our house, not nearly as often as they once did. If there is chili, there will no longer also be cereal; if there are apples, there need not also be chips. Because I have seen these kids eat snail, and now I know their secret: if I let them get a little hungry, they'll eat.

Can't get quarantined? Then try this at home:
1) Don't offer an alternative to dinner, and give no seconds on any food until everything has been at least tasted.
2) Skip snacks. When kids come in starving for dinner, get them out of the pantry and into setting the table or chopping vegetables. (In a pinch, put salad out first.)
3) Go for a nice, long hike with a healthy picnic.
4) Just don't buy it. If there are no cookies in the pantry, there are no cookies in the pantry.
5) Offer "weird" foods again and again and again (and again). Experts say it can take as many as seven "exposures" before a kid takes to a new food.
6) Don't give up, and don't give in. No kid ever starved to death because the only food on offer wasn't white.

The fact that he has never truly loved me, we were never soul mates and the fact that he had me completely fooled for so many years. Sadly I expected him to be different, turns out hes actually a stereo typical male.

Im just not sure why he tried to convince himself that I was the one? Why did he need to try and convince me of it?

 

Im starting to realize that everything was a lie, nothing was real. I just dont understand why he did it. If he never truely loved me why did he stick around? Was it all really just to get laid? Probably.